Wednesday, December 23, 2009
On The Fourth Day Of Christmas...
No matter which day you are on on the 12 Days of Christmas, you only get the gifts that are on the fourth day. "4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves and a Vulture in a Bare Treeeeee."
Want to know the names of Santa's reindeer? Just ask Tink. "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donald and Fix-it." "And Rudolph!"
At least she's keeping me entertained.
Friday, December 18, 2009
This too shall pass.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
This Crazy Life Of Mine
On the job front - I had vacation days to burn before the end of the year. I decided I should use them before my boss found my replacement. I talked to the office manager and the boss and decided I would use them in Oct. While I was off I got a call telling me the board of education was giving tests for substitute secretary positions, so I went and took the test. My boss found out I took the board of ed test, apparently someone there recognized me from the insurance office and told him I was there. He called and fired me during my vacation. The other employees there have been forbade to talk to me. I had to wait three days to get a call back from his wife to even find out why I had been fired.
Lucky for me the same day I got fired I got a call from a lady I had insured. She owns a trucking and paving company and the position she had mentioned to me before became available sooner than she thought it would. I started working there the day after I got fired from the insurance office.
I am still getting used to my new job and dial up connection. So far I am loving my new job! Dial up connection? Not so much.
On the baby front - Nothing. I was two weeks late and was SURE I was preggo. Then mother nature came to visit. Maybe in November.
On the home front - My next door neighbor (directly next door to me) was murdered in his home a week and a half ago. I heard a car that night and woke Hubbs up to see who it was, he got up and looked and told me it was nothing to worry about, just someone leaving the neighbor's house. It was the killers. I won't go into the gory details here, let's just say it was awful and I am now afraid to stay at home without Hubbs until the killers are caught. This neighbor will be remembered and missed by everyone in my family.
On the Tink front - Tink is home with the swine flu this week. Poor baby got sick on Sunday. Her temperature soon spiked up to 104.3 and stayed between 101 and 104 for 24 hours. She tested positive for H1N1 on Monday and has been on Tamiflu and home confinement since. Luckily she is feeling better already. I am hoping the worst is over.
I think that about covers it.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The craziness inside my head.
This has over taken my life.
Only in private, when no one is watching.
I don't want people to think I am crazy.
Why do I do these things?
Simply deciding that we want another baby has done this to me.
I can't stop.
I know it will only get worse.
Why, why, why do I obsess like this?
Friday, October 9, 2009
possible job news!
I got a call today at work from one of my customers. She and I were talking a week or so ago about the recent events here at my office. Not that I have told all my clients about the situation, but after 6 years of being her insurance agent and talking to her on a regular basis regarding her business insurance, we have become friends. Today she called to say she is going to be looking for someone to run her office and wondered if I would be interested. Yes, yes I am. So, I gave her my salary requirements and she is going to discuss this with her husband and get back to me. My fingers are crossed!
No baby news yet. We are trying ;)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I FINALLY found the camera cord!
The kid said what??
"Mom, you have a big, red zit right there on your chin." Yeah, thanks Tink I had totally forgotten about it.
"Mom, the outfit you wore to Hayley's party the other day looked really beautiful." Awww. I guess that makes up for the zit reminder.
"My dog, Bo, is part lab and part sherman hepard." Almost right.
"Mom, where are my triblets?" Huh? "You know, my three brown stuffed newborn puppies that look alike." Ah, triplets.
Me: So Tink, do you think you would like Mommy and Daddy to have you a little brother or sister?
Tink: No!!
Me: Why not, I though you wanted a brother or sisiter.
Tink: Because, when I asked for one before you said no, so now I say NO!
I was trying on clothes the other day. Tink was watching.
Tink: Mom, what size are those pants?
Me: Small
Tink: Do they fit you?
Me: Not really well.
Tink: What size do you wear?
Me: Medium.
Tink: Do you mean a really big medium?
Me: Um, yeah.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
We are going for it.
You, my bloggy friends are the only people who know about this decision. That makes you all pretty special. I'll be sure to tell you all first if (I mean when) we are preggo. Well, after Hubbs and Tink that is.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Same old crap and something new.
While talking to Hubbs last night we figured out we have both been rethinking our "one child only" policy. Fine time to rethink this policy. I've just sold or given away the last of the baby items. We still have the play yard and the stroller. Guess that's better than nothing. Now we just need to decide if we are really going to try of another one or not. My mind keeps saying no, but me heart is saying yes. What to do? What to do!?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Still here.
I have been sending out resumes.
I feel sick every morning when I have to get up to come here. I feel hurt and betrayed by my office manager and my boss. They can't seem to figure out why I am not talkative and seem upset. Hmmm. Maybe because you are replacing me??!!
I have started to clean out my desk and have taken down my one of a kind artwork (all made by Tink.) I think this made people nervous around here. The boss's wife called me after work to see if I was mad and to see if we could figure out an alternative solution for Tink so I could work full time. "No, sorry. Tink is not going to daycare. I am not taking her out of dance and soccer. You all agreed to my hour switch and I am sticking to it. If you feel like you need to find my replacement go ahead. I can start looking for a new job."
I heard today that they are now looking for a high school student who can come in the afternoons and just answer the phones when I am not here.
I am pretty sure they thought that if they dropped the replacement news on me I would say I would work full time and now that I have stood up and refused to do that they are rethinking the situation.
Irregardless of what happens here I am still looking for something else. There has to be something better out there.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Out of options.
Let me tell you why I am shocked.
For 3 1/2 years I have been working Mon-Fri 10-5. This allowed me extra time with Tink in the mornings. Over the summer I talked to my boss and my office manager and discussed changing my hours to 8-2 Mon-Thurs and 8-5 on Fri once Tink started school. I was told this would be great. They said they are busier in the mornings than the late afternoon and this would be the perfect solution.
School started, I told my Mom I didn't need her to sit for Tink any day other than Fri and she made other plans for her time. I changed my hours and enrolled Tink in soccer and dance class.
Now I am told the new hours aren't working out for my office. They are so busy that they can't manage without someone in the afternoons. If I can't make other plans for Tink in the afternoons and work all day every day I am going to be replaced with someone who can work full time.
At this point I have no other options for Tink and I am looking for a new JOB.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Not me Monday!
I did not take down and sell Tink's baby bed/toddler bed at a consignment sale this past weekend without having a new bed for her to sleep in.
I did not put up Tink's play yard, that she has outgrown, and make her sleep in it last night so I could get some sleep without her attached to my neck since she still does not have a new bed.
I did not call Hubbs from the mall on Sat and threaten to divorce him if he didn't show up within 25 minutes to pick Tink and I up to rescue us from my family.
I did not tell my mom that if my nephews play soccer next year I will not let Tink be on the same team with them.
I did not have to pick Tink up at school last week after she puked all over herself, the hallway and Nie her teacher.
I did not have to lay across Tink and have three nurses help hold her down so blood could be drawn at the dr.
Just because Hubbs insisted he did not want a birthday gift I did not forget to buy his sister something. They are twins for crying out loud! How could I forget that?
Nope, not me!
My crappy weekend.
I think I should start with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this woman! She also drives me bat shit CRAZY!! She has a great knack for stating the obvious and treating me like I'm 2. She's also getting sneaky in her old age. Like this Sat, she invited Tink and I to go to a craft show and then to the mall with her. When we are half way to the craft show she informed me my SIL and my nephews "the mafia" would be joining us. At that point I was trapped in the vehicle with her and couldn't do anything but smile even though I was less than thrilled. Luckily, Hubbs, Tink and I had a birthday party to go to and Hubbs met us at the mall and rescued us.
Next in line for disowning are my brother, SIL and "the mafia" aka my nephews.
The mafia are kinda cute at first glance. Then you hear the high pitched whining voices, the screaming and crying, the hitting, kicking and general disregard for authority figures and you want to smack them.
The last time we had a family get together at a restaurant (now referred to as the "Night of Hell") these two were animals! They ran around the restaurant like idiots, hid under tables, one fell onto a chair and blacked his eye, screamed like wild monkeys, refused to eat, threw food and then crawled under our table stabbing various family members in the foot with a plastic knife. All the while my brother and SIL are sitting there smiling like nothing is going on. Get a grip people! Your kids are going to end up in reform school!
At the craft show my oldest nephew made Tink cry when he told her his dad was going to shoot our dogs. (He apparently hates our dogs because Bo barks at my nephews when they chase Tink and Maggie May takes their toys when they lay them down in the yard.) Stay home, our dogs won't bother you then!
Hubbs entire family is getting disowned while I'm at it. Except for Racheal, my newest SIL, she's a sweetie. The rest are CRAZY! The adults are rude and like to talk about people behind their backs and they only call when they want something. The kids are all smart mouths. Hanging out with them is FUN stuff!
Maybe it is me. Maybe it's the pms. Nah. It's them.
Friday, September 11, 2009
First day of school and first soccer game.
Tink was so excited to go to school. I was relieved by the fact that I am doing my job right. I have given my baby the coping skills and the confidence to handle a new situation with excitement. I was also a bit heart broken by the way she waved me away with a "give me five, up high, down low, too slow!" a smooch on the cheek and a "see you after school!" I was expecting at least a little bit of shyness or not wanting to leave me.
I was a bit nervous all day. I was soooo tempted to write Nie an email, text her or call her cell just to check up on Tink. I also knew she would not have time to check any of these until after school had let out, so they were pointless. (For those of you who know me, you will be proud to know that I resisted the urge to check up on Tink.)
I was at the school 15 minutes before dismissal. When I pulled up I saw Tink's class returning to the school from the playground. Nie waved to me and a few other parents and invited us to follow them into the school. Tink was not amused. When I got close enough she hissed "What are you doing here so early?" then promptly walked away from me into her classroom and began playing with the other kids.
I practically had to drag Tink out of the school and then carried her to the car, she was "just too tired to walk." Poor thing hadn't napped at all and had barely eaten any lunch. She was asleep before we were off the street the school is on.
A two hour nap and dinner and Tink was a totally different kid. I learned all about her fun day and her new friends. Then it was off to her first soccer game.
The soccer game went great! Tink is not aggressive on the field during practice. Her coach has been trying to change this. It finally clicked during the game. Tink got in there and took the ball and ran with it. She even made a goal!!! You should have seen the excitement on her face! Then her coach pointed to the goal and told her next time to take the ball to her teams goal. Poor kid made scored in the wrong goal. That's ok, they don't keep score anyway. I was still proud of her. Tink really enjoyed playing and can't wait for the next game.
I have pics from school and the game, but once again have misplaced my camera cord. Go figure.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
First day of preschool
Here are two stories about the drop off. You pick which one is true.
Story 1:
Tink visited the dr yesterday and had four immunizations. The shots made her arm sore, but she was fine this morning. I show up at the school with Tink who clung to my leg. Anyone who talked to Tink was met with a mean glare and then she hid behind me. The Boo Hoo breakfast was a real boo hoo fest and Tink had to be led away by our friend Nie who reassured me everything would be fine. I was a sobbing mess by the time I got to my car. I have been miserable all morning wondering if she is still crying.
Story 2:
Tink visited the dr yesterday and had four immunizations. The shots caused her to run a fever and I have been keeping her dosed with ibuprofen. This morning she was miserable with a fever. The meds took about 45 minutes to kick in. This was 45 minutes that Tink should have been getting dressed and eating breakfast. Instead she was laying on the couch and crying.
Once the fever went down she got motivated and helped me pack her lunch and got dressed. Breakfast was eaten in the car on the way to school, between songs. You can't eat when cool songs like "I'm a Nut" and "Wallyatcha" are playing, you MUST sing!
The Boo Hoo breakfast was held in the library this morning. All the preschool parents and students attended. When we walked in the door Tink was met by Nie and Livy Bug. Livy Bug led Tink away to talk to a table of girls from their soccer team. I sat and ate a donut while Tink bounced up and down with excitement. As classmates passed us I read their name tags and told Tink who they were. Tink told me "I just know I am going to make lots of friends today!"
When Nie announced it was about time for the kids to go to their classroom and for the parents to leave a few kids started to cry. Tink gathered her backpack and lunch box and headed for the teacher without even saying good bye. I stopped her and asked her if I got a kiss. She kissed me and gave me a high five then said "love ya, see you after school" and left with the teacher's aide. She looked back once to wave as they walked down the hall.
I was a bit shocked by the entire process. I had been expecting major tears, from both of us. I'm still not sure how I feel about the morning. On one hand I am so proud of the independent, brave, eager to learn little girl I am raising. On the other hand I am sad that my baby is growing up and doesn't need her mommy with her. I guess this is the beginning of the letting go.
Ok, which one really happened?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The kids said what??
Tink and I were sitting on the front porch the other evening watching Maggie May run around the yard. Maggie had a tennis ball and wasn't about to give it up. She brought the ball on the porch and jumped into a chair to chew on it for a while. When Tink took a step toward Maggie's chair Maggie jumped off tipping the chair over in her escape. Tink looked at me with huge eyes and very seriously said "She just knocked the whole damn chair over!" Very calmly I asked Tink what she had said. "I'm just really sorry for saying the bad word, but good luck with that." Alrighty then.
The day we arrived at my company retreat Tink was already worn out by the time we arrived at the cabins. After unloading the car, a quick lunch and short fishing trip it was nap time. I took Tink to our cabin and we laid down for a nap. I laid on the bed reading and Tink was having a bit of trouble falling asleep. After the ten millionth "I can't go to sleep" to which I replied "If you would lay still and quit talking you would fall right to sleep" Tink rolled over and informed me "You are very exasperating!" Really!? Where does she learn this stuff? I had to hide my face behind the book. About ten seconds later she was sound asleep.
During the same trip, my boss's cabin next door to ours had a huge playroom set up with a wooden kid sized kitchen. It really was an adorable room complete with sink, stove, table and chairs, cupboards, rocking horse and doll carriage. They were all antiques, but were there to be played with. Tink was the only girl on this trip and made good use of the toys. Late the first evening on our way through the playroom to the camp fire out back Tink commented about the room "Isn't it so nice that Gregg (my boss) made this room just for me." I couldn't tell her otherwise, so I just agreed with her. When we got outside Gregg was smiling, he had heard the entire conversation through the open windows of the playroom. The room Gregg made just for Tink has been the topic of conversation at our house alot lately. Gregg is one of Tinks best friends now.
Of course we are always flooded with lots of cute words like "forout" instead of without, "not today, but the day before that" instead of yesterday, "bequeen" instead of between and my new favorite "hulau" instead of luau.
I finally figured out why Tink says forout. Hubbs and I were talking the other night and he used the word forout. It totally cracked me up. He was not so amused by my laughing.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
school
Tink is very shy around people she doesn't know. I explained this to her teacher the night of orientation at her school. The teacher, Mrs Peters, didn't seem to care. She said hello to Tink then proceeded to give me a 15 minute lecture of how great her college age daughter is. After hearing all about the daughter I got to see 50 photos of her in her cheerleader uniform. Yes very nice, but I have questions about the classroom and Tink's care while she is there. Mrs. Peters told me a bit about the classroom and the way she runs things there. My questions were not answered, she assured me she would address them at our home visit the following week. The home visit was not much better. Mrs. Peters wasn't any friendlier and I did not like the answers I got to my questions.
I called my dear friend Nie, Livy Bug's mom, who is a preschool teacher at a different school. I told her about Mrs. Peters and the rules the classroom are ran by. These rules do not meet the county guidelines and seem to be made up as the teacher sees fit. I was not comfortable with the situation, neither was my friend Nie.
After talking to school higher-ups, Nie was able to pull a few strings and have Tink transferred across town to be in her classroom.
Tink and I stopped by the school on Monday to see Nie and the classroom. The classroom is adorable. There are murals on the walls and little stations set up for different types of play. The sand table is set up to look like a luau with a grass covered umbrella above it. The aid, Mrs Book was there and was very friendly. Tink enjoyed exploring the classroom and saw the job chart on the wall which shows what the students "jobs" are going to be for the week. Tink is excited to be the snack helper the first week.
On the way home Tink and I were talking about our favorite parts of the classroom. Tink loved the fish tank and the kitchen area. I liked the science table where experiments will be conducted. I told Tink I was a bit jealous of all the fun she was going to have this year and suggested maybe I could go to preschool too. A week ago this was Tinks ideal solution, go to preschool AND have Mama with her all day. Not now. "This is just the way it's going to have to be mama. I am going to school and you are going to work, when I am done you can come back and pick me up. That's just the way it is." So I guess I'm not the only one who was helped by the school switch.
It looks like this was the right decision. Thank God! I knew Nie's classroom was a better fit for us and Tink's new found confidence is proving that to me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Company retreat.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My most recent craft project
First soccer practice
Happy Birthday Tink!
My baby girl is growing up. Tink turned 4. We celebrated with a "cupcake" party in our front yard. We invited the entire family and Tink's two closest friends Boo and Livy Bug. It was a great party!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
No pics today
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
MIA
Taking Tink to soccer practice.
Making a quilt.
Nursing a double inner-ear infection which included vertigo (not fun!)
Visiting my dear friend who just had a darling baby girl.
Cleaning up after a crated doggy with explosive diarrhea (also not fun!)
Getting ready for my weekend work retreat (doubtful this will be fun either.)
Working.
Taking Tink to work with me.
Getting Hubbs out the door on time for jury duty.
Trying to pry details out of Hubbs about trial he is on (he isn't budging!)
Dropping off truck for repairs and picking up rental.
I think that about covers it. I will post pics as soon as I remember where I put my camera. Well not pics of the sick doggy, NO ONE wants to see that!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The kid said what???
From Tink: When I get big like daddy I am gonna use my birthday money and buy a gun. The kind you pull the trigger and it goes booming. I'll have a pink one and a pink 4 wheeler to match.
Me: What are you going to hunt with your gun?
Tink: Deer.
Me: Are you going to kill the deer?
Tink: No, just skunks. I'll only kill skunks.
Tink: Mom, if you decide to have another baby I will name it Lou-o or Chewey or Casey.
(Ummm, ok. Luckily, for now there are no more kiddos in the plans.)
While at the mall the other day. "Mom, if I give you this look will you let me out of the stroller?" ("The look" was her lip sticking out in a pout.) Nope, but it did crack me up.
Yesterday was FILLED with attitude. My favorite was when I was picking her up after work. Tink was playing her DS and my oldest nephew was just waking up from his nap. They like to sit beside each other and play DS and sometimes just watch the other kid play their game. Tink moved over beside my nephew and asked if he wanted to watch her play. He told her no and started whining about her sitting next to him. Tink refused to move. A few minutes later my nephew decided he wanted to watch after all and he scooted closer to Tink. Tink looked at him and said "Oh, now you want to watch!" then she got up and marched away in a huff. It was hilarious.
I woke up this morning with Tink cuddled up next to me in my bed. When I climbed out of bed she woke up "Do I have soccer practice today?" I told her yes, we are going to the first soccer practice when I get home from work. "Well, I need to get up early to be ready for soccer." She didn't care that it wasn't for 10 hours. I hope she's still that excited when we get there.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My little furry visitor.
I coated the trap with peanut butter and hid them from the dogs to wait. Two nights later there was a SNAP in the middle of the night. It woke me and I knew instantly what it was. He was caught.
Then came the most disturbing noise, a rattling, scraping sound. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight to go inspect my catch. I found the little fella in the corner between the wall and the fridge. He was caught by a foot. He was slowly dragging the trap behind him, trying to find an escape.
This would not do. Surely the little guy would soon decide his foot was worth sacrificing and shew his way to freedom. That's the last thing I needed, a footless disease carrying mouse.
I knew what to do.
Wake Hubbs up to kill the mouse.
He simply mumbled something about it would be there in the morning, go to sleep.
SLEEP? With this in my house? Not gonna happen.
Plan B. I would pull mousy out with the end of my swiffer broom and trap him under a trash can.
Trap attached and all, that little sucker could run! Bo was up with me watching the entire ordeal and chased the mouse barking and trying to bite it. I pushed the dog out of the way and threw the can up side down over the mouse. Taken care of.
Bo and I headed back to bed then.
Until we heard the can scooting across the kitchen floor.
Ok, I would scoot him to the corner of the kitchen and put Hubbs work boots on top. That would keep him still. So, that's what I did. With a big note attached that said: LIVE MOUSE, PLEASE GET RID OF ASAP!!! Hubbs would see this in the morning and deal with it then. Easy peasy.
Back to bed.
Until, Bo went back flipped the can over and chased the mouse through my living room. He then caught the mouse, with trap still attached and chewed it a couple of times. I ran yelling at him and he dropped it. It started running at me, Bo grabbed it again and chewed it a couple more times. I yelled, he dropped it again and I covered it with the can.
All the commotion woke Hubbs. He stumbled in cussing me and the dog, hit the mouse with his work boot and threw it out the back door.
I never did go to sleep. I was up all night waiting for the mouse to come back.
The Kid Said What??
Tink on mine and Hubbs' anniversary. "Momma, today is my anniversorry too. Me and you are twins and we share everything, so it's my anniversorry too." Ummm, ok.
Tink to Daddy. "I got my birth ticket in the mail today, I can finish signing up for soccer now!" Yeah, that would be her birth certificate.
Last night we had friends over and I locked the dogs on the front porch while the kids played in the yard. As Tink walked up the front steps Maggie decided she could make her escape by jumping over the baby gate at the top of the steps. As she jumped over Tink was hitting the top step and they collided. Tink started to fall backwards down the 7 steps and I caught her by the arm. The entire incident scared the crap out of me and Tink, who started to cry. "Honey, you didn't fall, why are you crying?" Tink stopped long enough to tell me "I'm just so glad you saved me Mommy. You are my little peanut." This morning, she is still calling me "Little Peanut" instead of Mommy.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
8 years.
We headed to my favorite mexican restaurant and I had the chicken chimichanga. There is no other option for me. It was delish! Hubbs had tacos and Tink had McDonald's. Everyone was happy.
I gave Hubbs the card I picked up and also the news about my company retreat later this month.
He liked the card but was less than thrilled about spending time with my boss and coworkers. He thought the Christmas dinner we endure every year was torture enough, now it's a weekend away with them. (Do you foresee lots of beer for Hubbs that weekend? Yeah, me too.)
After dinner we headed back home where I cleaned house and Hubbs sat on the front porch and watched Tink ride her four wheeler around the yard.
Later I commented to Hubbs that it doesn't feel like we have been married for 8 years already. He agreed, he says it feels more like 28. I'm not sure what he meant by that.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Yikes!
Hubbs and I actually talked about it the other day, so it's not like I TOTALLY forgot it. We decided not to get each other gifts, we thought a joint gift would be better. We would both like to have a hand held GPS. He will be taking it hunting and I would like to try geocaching. I think that would be a fun family activity. So, on our next trip to Cabellas we will pick up a GPS, if I don't find one online at a better price before then.
So, I am off to buy a card (shhh don't tell him I forgot!) and then maybe dinner out tonight.
Camping with the coworkers?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Kid Said What??
So, here we go:
Last night Tink was playing her DS on the couch beside of Hubbs, who was playing his Wii. (Yes we are slackers who play video games!) Tink was having trouble with her new game, ya know because she can't read yet and it has onscreen instructions, and suddenly I hear "Damn game!" Hubbs (who never hears ANYTHING when he is engrossed in his game) jerked his head up and asked what she said. "Never mind."
Bed time every night is a struggle. Tink doesn't want to sleep in her own room, she wants to sleep with her arms wrapped around my neck. Last night was no exception. "Just say yes mama, just say yes. Just say I can sleep in your bed, pleeease?"
Bed time also brings the same question EVERY night. "Do I need to keep my underwear on with my jammies?" Yes. For the 1 millionth time, yes.
Yesterday at Mamaw's house, Mamaw and the Mafia brothers (my nephews for those who don't know) were having a discussion about their dad (my brother). The Mafia were sure their dad would let them do whatever bad thing Mamaw had told them not to do and told her "My Dad will yell at you." Mamaw informed them she wasn't afraid of their dad, she would smack him too. Tink whispered to the mafia brothers "Mamaw is a bad talker, but don't tell her." Sadly, Tink doesn't whisper very quietly.
That's all I have this week. I need to start writing this stuff down.