Thursday, July 2, 2009


Dear Skunk,

Please find a new neighborhood to live in. I am so tired of taking Maggie out at bedtime to find that you have just spayed my entire lawn with your lovely scent. I am afraid that some night Maggie is going to see you and think you are a new playmate and try to play with you. I do not think there is enough tomato juice in the world to destink her after that.

I would like to be able to leave my windows open at night, you make this impossible.

Just so you know, Hubbs is planning to stay up and hunt you after dark this weekend. You might want to go ahead and move now.

Your neighbor

Dear Maggie and Bo,

I am so glad that the two of you have decided to be friends. You are great dogs, we love you very much and are very glad that we rescued you both.

We need to have a talk about your manners.

Bo, please stop trying to trip Mommy with your lead when we are outside. If you stop running off when we turn you loose, we will turn you loose more often. No more growling when Maggie gets near your food bowl. Storms aren't going to hurt you, you can calm down. Please stop digging under the front deck. You don't own the bed, it belongs to Daddy and I, move over or get down.

Maggie, you are doing great with the house training, but when we don't see you in front of the door sitting please bark before you pee, not after. Stop dragging dirty socks and underwear out of the laundry hamper. Tink doesn't like it when you use her legs as a chew toy, it makes her cry. I get up every day at 7, not daybreak, please quit barking at daybreak. We don't mind that you and Bo use the living room as a wrestling ring, but let's try to limit the matches to 1 hour, 'kay? Please stop climbing on everything in the house, dogs are not supposed to climb onto the table, toilet or bathroom counters. I know you like to jump into the tub to lick the water off the sides and floor after everyone showers, but quit licking the bar of soap. And when you get out of the tub, please dry your paws.

Thanks kids.


Dear summer,

Where the heck did you go??!! We are planning on attending fireworks for the next three nights, so you need to warm it up a bit and cut out the rain. Oh, and I could use a little sun, my legs are a bit blinding when I wear shorts. I am hosting a cook out tomorrow evening, if you don't cooperate I am going to be royally pissed. Just so you know.

Snow White

Aunt L,

I haven't seen you in a few years and I am looking forward to having dinner with you and the rest of my CRAZY family tonight. Sorta. I love you dearly, but can we keep the bragging to a minimum? We all know you are rich, but you don't have to go on and on about your new house at the country club and your ten vacations this year. The rest of us are poor and get a little tired of hearing about it. Really, either share the wealth or keep quiet.

Much love,
Your poor and jealous niece

PS. We all know the weather here in WV is not nearly as warm as you are used to in TX. You lived here for the first 30 years of your life, you should know this also. Quit complaining about it.


Toad's Lair said...

Your letters are awesome--very creative! Hope you got a little sun!

Fiauna said...

Oh, I loved the letters. I hope your holiday was great.

The Johnson 5 said...

Let me knowing if the letter writing works, I have a few people, I need to Dear John :)